If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
