I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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