new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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