my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
