worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
