Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
