if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
