I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
