Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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