mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
