i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
