Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
