I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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