My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
