Pappa wants mamma naked
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
