She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
