She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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