Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
