I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
