the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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