Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
