A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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