I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
