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his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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