Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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