Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
