im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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