My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
