Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You ruined the universe
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
