Will you blow on my dice?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
