so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
