i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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