My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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