I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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