were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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