This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
