I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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