the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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