We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
