I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
