he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
