on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
