6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think I am morally bankrupt
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
