there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
