Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Randomize
