she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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