I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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