so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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