Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
