I wannas sexs uuuuu
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
