Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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