Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize