I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
