Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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