I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Randomize
