you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
