Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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