do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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