The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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