You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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