This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
